SPEAK INTO MY GOOD EAR

Husband can't hear out of one ear.  Something about a gun or rocket launcher going off by his head...(this is the part of his job I sort of tune out for my own sanity).  At night, if he lies down with his good ear down and bad ear up, he can basically hear nothing.  Not the baby's crying, not the big boys in and out with nightmares, not a squirrel in the attic, not a robber...nothing.  This is both amazing and terrifying to me.  A lot of things go down in the night that he is blissfully unaware of until I tell him.  (He says "yell."  I say "tell."  Same thing.)

At night, I whisper, "I love you," to him.  And get...NOTHING.

He DOES NOT HEAR me.

Good ear is down, bad ear is up...literally deaf.  There are many instances in military marriage where I have said/texted/emailed/thought/called "I love you" into the oblivion with no response.  For Days.  NOTHING.  This may be due to time zone differences, no reception in deserts, something about no phones in war.  All of these valid I'm sure.  But then!  Even, when lying side by side, I do not always get those four most magical words, "I love you too."  I am learning not to take this so personally anymore.  You see, I'm trying very hard to be grown up.  And when things start to happen in patterns, I've begun to look for messages.  Why do I say "I love you."  Do I say it only for reciprocation?  At my best, I say it for the sheer joy of saying it, with no thought of the return.  I can reach this place sometimes.  On the happiest days of friendship.  In the really good years of my marriage.  During sweet moments with my little ones (where the only return may very well be years and years of sleep torture).

If Love is just Love and it is unconditional, it is to be given without thought of receiving.  Absolutely.  But in this life, it just isn't.  The best of our human loves are not flawless.  I don't just want just the three little words, I want the big four.  I LOVE YOU TOO.  I want to be connected.  I am completely human and fail in both giving and receiving unconditional love.  I don't just need "friends" or "relations."  I need the "ship" and to be in that "ship" with others.  But in life, there are many times I am physically alone.  It was completely shocking to me as Beginner Grown Up, that I would be married and even then, still be alone!  Or sometimes, Husband is home, but I've moved far from friends or family.  Other times, I've bailed from "ships" because of storms.  Or others have bailed on me.  We are all flawed and mistaken.  And forgiven.



Grace is the best and only comforting news I know.  And because of that, I am loved every. single. new. moment.  Even when I feel most unlovable, completely isolated, my bad ear is up and I cannot hear it, God is still there whispering to me. "I love you."  Because of this, I can be alone and not lonely.  When there are no friends or relations, and when I've failed or others have failed me, I can be loved, forgiven, and held.  Being loved does not mean there will be no sadness or hardship.  It does not mean you will have companionship, or health, or prosperity.  In fact, best to anticipate that things may be complete crap.  But in the very darkest of nights, there will remain a still, small, golden, light-filled voice that whispers out to each of us.  If you cannot hear it, turn your head.  Listen with your God ear.  And if the silence remains, you must find the healers.  (All of my little people have seen the audiologist healer!)  The doctors, teachers, and preachers.  They will help you turn up the volume.  For today please hear this:  You Are Always, Always, Loved.  

New. Every. Single. Day.

Nance